I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
