Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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