So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
