Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
