Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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