Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
