my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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