My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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