did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
