Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
