I CAN MOONWALK!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
