is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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