Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
