he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
