No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
