Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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