i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
