no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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