This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
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I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
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Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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