look no pants
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
