Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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