You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
