you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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