I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
