There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
