im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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