wake up i wanna do it froggy style
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
