i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I need water and some morals
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