my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
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It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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