she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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