i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
we should paint friendship bongs
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