I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I lost the right to judge tonight
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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