R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
