if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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