So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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