you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
