The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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