sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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