I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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