I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
