God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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