what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
