We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I got inside last night via doggy door
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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