sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Randomize
