I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
