So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
