I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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