It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
