I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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