Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
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