hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
