There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
this is an emotional support booty call
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
