I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
