I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
