oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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