my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
zippers are such a cool invention
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
