dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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