You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize