my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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