you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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