Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How naked do you want me to be?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
