I skipped work to stalk him.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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